How Children Cope

Helping a Child

Helping a Teen

Helping a Friend

Facing the Holidays

Bibliography

How Children Cope -

Children's understanding of death and dying
Children's understanding of death and dying changes as they grow and mature. Age parameters vary for each individual child, but most children pass through a sequence of developmental stages.

Preschoolers (Age 3 to 5)
These children see death as temporary and reversible. They believe the dead live on under changed circumstances - either on a cloud in a city called heaven or in a box under the ground connected to other boxes by tunnels. Preschoolers ask many questions about how one lives on. No matter how well death is explained, many will persist in their belief about its reversibility. These children are likely to be literal and concrete in their thinking.

Latency/Early Elementary (Ages 6 to 8)
Children in this developmental stage see death as a person or spirit that comes to get you if you aren't fast or clever enough to escape. From their perspective, three groups of people die: the elderly and the handicapped (because they can't run fast enough) and the klutzes. Klutzes are people who die, who are neither elderly nor handicapped. In an effort to make themselves feel different, and therefore safe, children will often find some specific way, frequently negative, to differentiate themselves from people who die.

Preadolescents (Age 9-11)
These children have more adult understanding of death, seeing it as final, universal, and irreversible. They are interested in rituals and concerned about how the world will change because of the death of a particular person. This age group is frequently described as having the easiest time dealing with death and dying because they tend to intellectualize as a way of coping with the experience. They can sometimes sound crass and uncaring.

Adolescents (12+)
Just when adolescents are being asked to take responsibility for their own lives, they are confronted by experiences that challenge their belief in their own immortality. They often engage in risk-taking behavior, seeming to test the limits of that immortality. Most adolescents are embarrassed when a parent or brother or sister dies; they don't want to be different from their friends. Their grief at times of death and dying tends to be expressed with peers rather than with family members, often causing family members to believe that the adolescent is not grieving.


Written by The Good Grief Program, Judge Baker Children's Center

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Helping a Child -

Ways parents can help bereaved children

1. Recognize your own feelings. Think about your own experiences with loss, separation and death. They may well have an impact on your comfort in helping children and adolescents with their grief.
2. Share the fact of the death. Provide age-appropriate information about what happened and what rituals will occur. Be aware of the four psychological tasks youngsters must accomplish if their grief is to be good grief.
3. Be aware of issues that make a specific child vulnerable. These include things such as many recent losses, knowing someone with the same illness, being the best friend or worst enemy of the person who died or having had some actual responsibility for the death. Consider a prompt referral to a mental health center or professional for preventative services.
4. Address the children's fears and fantasies. Be particularly aware of those that grow out of magical thinking and reflect an inappropriate sense of responsibility for the death.
5. Discuss issues specific to the situation. Every death is unique and raises specific issues. Children may want to talk about an illness, violence or suicide, alcohol and drug use or troubled adults who hurt children. They may want to know about wakes and funerals, cremation and burial or ethnic and cultural diversity in death rituals.
6. Support children and adolescents as they grieve. Provide an environment where grieving is accepted. Talk specifically about the appropriateness of sadness and anger. Share your own grief with your children, being sure they know they have not caused tears or anger.
7. Remember the person who died and help children and adolescents participate in that commemoration. Young people can often make suggestions about the content of a funeral or memorial service, flowers or what to do with particular belongings of the person who died. Commemorative activities may go on over a period of time.
8. Use teachable moments to help children and adolescents learn about death and dying. Daily activities and dramatic life events provide many opportunities to talk about death, dying, grief and loss. For example, a dead bird on the side of the road can open discussion about what death is and feelings when something or someone dies. News programs sometimes feature tragic stories on death. Children may raise questions for which we have no answers. It is perfectly acceptable to say that their questions are good ones and we wish we knew the answer, too.

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Helping a Teen -

Fourteen Ways to Assist Grieving Teens

1. Listen, care for and accept them as they are



2. Tell the truth and answer their questions honestly



3. Encourage them to make healthy and creative choices in dealing with their pain and healing process



4. Invite them to view the body, participate in the memorial and burial, or see the cremated remains



5. Suggest that they create memory rituals, talk about the person and recall memories



6. Discuss their perceptions, experiences and beliefs



7. Acknowledge their loss of focus and interest



8. Be steady and stable during this turbulent period



9. Seek help for your own grief process through appropriate means such as peers, support groups, or a professional therapist



10. Affirm and appreciate your children during this difficult time



11. Assure the adolescent of your love and respect



12. Use words and expressions of comfort and affections



13. Express that you appreciate and value the uniqueness and differences between them and the others in the family or school



14. Accept each teen's unique grief process

Helping Your Grieving Adolescent

Parenting teenagers…it's a tough job under the best of circumstances. But when a teenager is grieving as well, four dynamics place additional stress on the situation.

First, grieving families often feel a need to pull together for support. Since adolescence is increasingly a time for breaking away and relying on peer support, these conflicting needs can place parents and teens at odds with one another.

Second, adolescents are keenly aware of parental reactions and when parents are grieving often try to protect them from further pain. Most commonly, this takes the form of not talking about it.

Third, simply because they've experienced the death of a loved one, grieving teens tend to feel different from their peers. In an attempt to fit in, they may try to ignore their own grief reactions. Nevertheless, their normal grief reactions seethe beneath the surface, waiting for expression…healthy or unhealthy, at appropriate or inappropriate times.

Fourth, the stress of bereavement adds to the physical and emotional swings already common in adolescence.

So what's a caring parent or caregiver to do? Here are four strategies for helping your adolescent through bereavement.

1. Provide an environment the adolescent perceives as safe. Like adults, if they don't feel safe, young people can't do the necessary grief work. They need to know that they can trust themselves as having grief reactions that are normal, their peers and adults to be supportive, and parents to be a dependable safety net.

You can help through structure, discipline, and education. Structure and maintaining routines provide adolescents with a subtle, daily sense of continuity and permanence at a time when everything else seems up for grabs.

Discipline…reasonable and caring but consistent and firm…reassures adolescents that someone is in control and will save them from serious harm.

Education can transform a neutral environment into a healing one for your teen. Make sure the adults in his or her world (school personnel, coaches, bosses, clergy, ete.) know that a death has occurred. Share with them printed materials about normal grief responses and what grieving people need. Use health classes and all-school assemblies to educate peer groups about bereavement.

And educate your child about normal reactions to grief so that he knows he is not going crazy and can trust the way his body, mind and emotions are responding. If he pulls back from discussion, provide books or movies that illustrate normal grieving.

2. Encourage your teen to express what the grief experience is like for him or her. Recognize and affirm that her experience is likely to be different from everyone else's in the family. Provide "emotional coaching" for your child by modeling appropriate emotional reactions to loss.

If your teenager is a quiet or private person, encourage other methods of expression. Helpful ways of expressing emotion include playing music or musical instruments, writing (songs, poetry, diaries, letters to the person who died), sports (including the martial arts and punching bags), and art and photography.

3. Facilitate an ongoing connection with the person who died. Tell stories about the person who died. Give your adolescent a photo of him or her with the person. Support him in visiting the gravesite if that is meaningful to him. Make sure he has a memento of the person who died...a favorite tool or sports or hobby item, a piece of jewelry, a book, a sweater or robe…by which to stay connected.

And make sure you remember (in discussion, in prayer, by way of a small gift) to include the memory of the person who died in your celebration of important events m your child's life, events such as graduations, getting a driver's license, participating in his or her first school play or first varsity sporting event.

4. Encourage your teenager to participate in normal adolescent life as she feels able. Grieving takes enormous energy, so your child may need to slow down a bit while she works on her grief. However, it's important for her to know that you don't expect her to take on an adult role now that someone important has died. Let her know you love and accept and support her…just as she is now, with all the normal living and loving and learning she has yet to do.

Resources
Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers:
How to Cope with Losing Someone you Love
Earl A. Grollman, Beacon Press, Boston, MA.

Facing Change:
Falling Apart and Coming Together Again in the Teen Years
Donna O'Toole, Mountain Rainbow Publications, Burnsville, NC.

Death is Hard to Live With:
Teenagers Talk About How They Cope with Loss
Janet Bode, Bantam Doubleday, New York, NY.

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Helping a Friend -

Five things to help a grieving friend

1. Acknowledge What Has Happened
Say something ("I am so sorry about your loss"), write something (a card or a note means a great deal), do something (a kind gesture or helpful deed is always welcome).

2. Listen, Listen, Listen
Make time to be with the friend and listen to their thoughts and feelings. Don't ever assume that you know what they are going through. Just let them know that you are there for them to listen and care.

3. Accept the Other as He or She Is
Don't try to offer advice on how the person should act or feel. If the person seems different, remember that THEY ARE. Something big has happened to them.

4. Offer to Help, and Make Your Offers Specific
Don't just say, "I am here for you." Tell the person HOW you are here for them. Examples are: "I will get the homework assignments for you," or "I will check in on how you are doing everyday this week, ok?" or "I want to sit with you at lunch for awhile until you are feeling better."

5. Relate to the Other as a Whole Person
No one wants to be seen as a victim all the time. Remember that the person is more than what they have lost. To forget who the person is will not help their recovery. To forget that they have had a sad thing happen, will make them feel invisible. So try to keep both things in mind.

GRIEF IS A CONTINUAL PROCESS. WHAT MIGHT ASSIST YOU?

TALKING
GETTING INVOLVED IN SCHOOL AND OTHER ACTIVITIES
HAVING TIME ALONE CRYING
WRITING DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS
BEING WITH FRIENDS
EATING HUGGING SCREAMING PRAYING
HELPING OTHERS GETTING COUNSELING
JOINING A SUPPORT GROUP
EXERCISING
LISTENING TO MUSIC
DRAWING OR PAINTING
E-MAILING

Resources
Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers:
How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love
Earl A. Grollman, Beacon Press, Boston, MA.

Facing Change:
Falling Apart and Coming Together Again in the Teen Years
Donna O'Toole, Mountain Rainbow Publications, Burnsville, NC.

Death is Hard to Live With:
Teenagers Talk About How They Cope with Loss
Janet Bode, Bantam Doubleday, New York, NY.


Written by The Good Grief Program, Judge Baker Children's Center

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Facing the Holidays -

Facing the Holidays When Someone You Love Has Died

Be kind to yourself. Do only as much as you can comfortably manage.

Express you feelings. The surest road through grief is to feel it, not deny it.

Create support for yourself. Sharing your pain eases it.

Appreciate your loved ones. Enjoy the people you love. Other people need your love, too, and their love can nourish you and help you begin to heal.

Ask for what you need. Other people don't know how you feel unless you tell them. If you want privacy say so. Ask for help planning, shopping, or getting through the day.

Don't compare your life with anyone else's. Embracing what you have gives you more power than regretting what is missing.

Don't be a victim of your pain. Avoid sitting around, isolating yourself. Even a walk or trip to the library can feel better than sitting alone inside of your thoughts.

Resolve to use your learning to help someone else. Although you may have been through the most difficult year of your life, you have also grown in compassion and understanding for others'. By using that knowledge to help someone else, you give meaning to your loss.

We don't have to use our grief as a testimonial to our love. Perhaps the best testimonials we can give is to live our lives wholeheartedly. Death teaches us that every day of life is precious and worth living to the fullest.

Excerpts from:
Hospice Foundation of America, Judy Tatelbawn, MSW
and Healing Hearts News, Joanie Overbeck

How to Remember a Loved One at the Holidays

Holidays can create feelings of dread and anxiety in those who are bereaved. The cliched images of family togetherness and the often unrealistic expectations of a season filled with picture perfect, joyful gatherings can cause tremendous stress for those who are not grieving —let alone those in the midst of the painful, isolating experience of loss.

How does one celebrate the holidays when a loved one is so sorely missed? Creating new rituals and new traditions that pay tribute to the memory of the deceased is one way to survive, and perhaps even embrace the holidays when a loved one has died. Here are some suggestions of what you can do.

Decorate a wreath with pictures and items that were loved by the person who died and place the wreath at his or her grave.

Wrap a favorite keepsake of the deceased or a framed picture of your loved one, and give it as a gift to another grieving family member.

Tell the stories behind the ornaments on the Christmas tree and the role your loved one played in making those memories. Create a special ornament labeled with the name of the deceased and hang it on the tree.

Decorate a candle and light it at meal time in memory of your loved one. If you celebrate Chanukah, recall a memory of the deceased on each of the eight nights that you light the Menorah.

Make a book of pictures and memorabilia about the deceased to give or simply to share with one another. This is a good activity for children as well.

Make a donation to a favorite charity in the person's honor. Create a scholarship to keep the memory of the deceased alive and announce it at a holiday gathering of family and friends.

Purchase a holiday book —perhaps a favorite of the deceased— and donate it to your local library or school. Ask your librarian to place a label in the front cover inscribed, "In memory of (your loved ones name)."

Bring your loved one's favorite food to share at a holiday dinner. Mention their name in the blessing over the food or propose a toast to their memory.

Share anecdotes and favorite stories about the person who died. Sometimes others need permission to talk about the deceased. Let them know you would rather keep the memory of your loved one alive than pretend nothing has changed.

Encourage grieving children to draw pictures and create gifts inspired by their memories of the deceased to give to other family members.

Decorate and hang a cut-out star in your home with your hopes and dreams for the future. Thinking about tomorrow is part of your healing.

Then once you've remembered your loved one, make sure you remember yourself. Take care of yourself. Be gentle. Do what you can do —no more and no less.

If it's too hard to be in the same place where you spent holidays together with your loved one, opt for a change of scene and go somewhere new. If you can't afford a vacation, go to a restaurant, or a friend or family member's home that doesn't have painful associations with previous holidays. Although you can't erase thoughts and memories of the deceased, it may help to create a new holiday experience.

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Bibiography -

Books for Adults

Guiding Your Child Through Grief, Mary Ann and James Emswiler, Bantam, 2000

Never The Same: Coming to Terms with the Death of a Parent, Donna Schuurman, St. Martins Press, NY, 2003

Talking with Children About Loss, Maria Trozzi, Perigee, NY, 1999

Good Grief: Helping Groups of Children When a Friend Dies. Sandra Fox, Boston, 1988

How Do We Tell The Children? D. Schaefer and Christine Lyons. Newmarket Press, New York, updated 1993.

Helping Children Grieve - When Someone They Love Dies. Theresa Huntley. Augsburg Fortress, Minneapolis, 1991.

The Grieving Child (A Parent's Guide). Helen Fitzgerald. Simon and Schuster, New York, 1992.

Helping Children Cope with Grief - For Caregivers. Alan Wolfelt. Accelerated Development Inc., Indiana, 1983.

A Child's View of Grief. Alan Wolfelt. Center for Loss and Life Transition. Colorado, 1991.

Helping Children Cope with Grief - Facing a Death in the Family. Rosemary Wells. Sheldon Press, London, 1992.

They Need to Know. Audrey Gordon. N.J., Prentice-Hall Inc., 1979.

How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Has Died. Theresa Rando. Bantam Books, New York, 1991.

Straight Talk About Death For Teenagers. Earl Grollman. Beacon Press, Boston, 1993.

How it Feels When a Parent Dies. Jill Krementz. Knopf, New York, 1983.

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